


If You Were Here

by rowofstars



Series: 31 Days of Ficmas 2017 [14]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: 31 Days of Ficmas, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Feels, Ficlet, Prompt Fic, Reunions, Separations, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-14 19:40:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13014780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowofstars/pseuds/rowofstars
Summary: Gold watches his family on Christmas Eve. For the 31 Days of Ficmas prompt #14 - Family.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is very loosely based on [a post thatravenclawbitch made last night](http://thatravenclawbitch.tumblr.com/post/168524952794/so-as-we-approach-the-winter-finale-what-have), where, in the course of talking about the current season of OUAT and the time travel that has occurred, she said "it’s not like Rumple can contact his currently 2 year old child." My brain was like OKAY BUT WHAT IF. And then this happened. Raven is not responsible. This is all my fault. It's okay if you hate me.

Gold crept along the fence at the edge of the garden, until he reached the stone patio. Snow fell gently around him, momentarily dotting his black wool coat with sparkling white crystals. The air was crisp and the occasional gust of wind bit at his cheeks, but it was peaceful and almost serene.

He leaned against the large column at the corner of the patio, the garden pot that sat at the bottom now empty and covered over in a mix of dead leaves and snow. In the spring there would be roses, the white ones with the wide blooms that curled and climbed up the posts and filled the air with their sweet scent. He closed his eyes a moment and imagined it, bright, sunny and alive, just like his Belle.

From his darkened corner, he could see across to the gap in the kitchen window curtains. Inside, warm and cozy, were two loves of his life, his beautiful wife and his precious son. This was the time of year he missed them the most, the time when everything should be about family and friends and celebration.

But those times for him were long gone; he’d seen to that through his own actions. 

He couldn’t blame Belle for finally having had enough, for doing what she felt was best for her and their child. It didn’t matter if it pushed him to change, to really understand what his wickedness had done to her and their relationship. His family deserved better, and while he was still drawing breath he would do his best to make sure that happened. Whether it was the tiny deposits into her checking account that ensured she always had just enough for whatever was needed, or sneaking through the backyard of his own house to check on them, she could never know that he still lingered in their lives.

It was as much for her and Gideon’s safety as it was for his own benefit. If she caught him, she would probably have him arrested. Even worse, she might move and leave him with no way to know where they were or how to protect them. And without the ability to see them, even from a distance, through weather and darkness and glass.

Sighing, Gold straightened, and moved a little closer, hoping to see just a little bit more, but a loose paving stone rocked under his cane. It scrapped and thudded softly, making him freeze in place. His heart pounded as he waited for Belle to look out the window and see him, but she didn’t seem to notice.

He smiled as she laughed and bent to kiss Gideon’s head, ruffling the boy's hair as she passed by. His eyes started to water and he turned away, making his way back across the yard and out the back gate. Tonight he would stay in his old cabin out by the lake. Tomorrow he would sneak back to the house and maybe catch a glimpse of their Christmas morning. If he couldn't be there with them, he'd at least be there in his heart.

* * *

Belle moved around the small island, with Gideon propped on her hip, carrying the mixing bowl to the sink. “There we go, Gid,” she said smiling. “All cleaned up!”

“Want!” Gideon called out, trying to reach over her shoulder for the plate of cookies on the counter. He gave her his best puppy eyes. “Please?”

Her mouth curved and she shook her head. His please sounded more like ‘peas’ but she was not swayed by his cuteness. “Not tonight, sweetheart.”

He pouted and looked ready to throw a fit.

“In the morning,” she said leaning into nuzzle his nose with hers. “It’s Christmas tomorrow, and you can have all the cookies you want okay?”

Gideon sighed leaned his head on her shoulder, blinking sleepily.

“Let’s get you to bed, little man.”

A noise at the window made her stop. She waited by the refrigerator, her ears straining to see if the sound would come again, but it didn't.

“Papa?” Gideon asked, looking up at her.

A sudden pain hit her in the chest and she almost couldn’t breathe. As much as she might want it to be true, it wasn’t. It was probably just an animal or the wind or her imagination. He would never come back, not after everything that had happened between them.

“No, sweetheart,” she said with a sigh, and pressed her lips together to keep them from wibbling. “Bedtime now, okay?”

She hugged her son close, and headed out of the kitchen, casting a quick glance at the kitchen window before she flipped the light off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A resolution of sorts for all the angst I caused. For the 31 Days of Ficmas prompt #17 - Joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this helps. I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing here. There probably won't be more of this, but I promise nothing.

Gold eased the back gate closed, covering the latch with his gloved hand to muffle the clanking sound. The sun was just beginning to rise, disrupting the cold, dark morning with a warm orange glow. He made his way to the patio, limping more heavily than usual. The previous evening’s sneaking about followed by sleeping in a less than comfortable cot in his cabin had made the muscles stiff.

Little snow had fallen overnight, leaving his tracks visible. Using them, he was able to pick his way along the fence again and over to the patio. He stopped by the same post and braced with his cane as he pushed up on his toes, trying to get a better view in the kitchen window. Then he winced and dropped back on his heels, rubbing at his leg. 

No light shown through the kitchen curtains. Belle was not awake yet, but it was just after seven and he was sure she would be soon. Gideon didn’t usually sleep much later than eight, and even though it was just the two of them, she would still make an effort to prepare things for Christmas dinner, such as it might be. He closed his eyes at the thought, feeling the sting of so many unshed tears.

Sighing, he pushed off the post and ambled across the patio, then around the side of the house. As he came to the end of the narrow stone path, he stopped and peered in the window to the living room. The Christmas tree was in the corner to the left of the fireplace as it had been in years past, a few presents sitting beneath it. Hanging at the end of the mantle were three stockings, a blue with silver snowflakes that was Belle’s, a green with white fur trim that Gideon loved petting when he was an infant, and a dark red one made to look like Santa’s boot - _his._

Gold swallowed hard and tried to tamp down the hope that bloomed in his chest at seeing all three of them side by side. She’d done it for Gideon’s benefit, he was sure, but he wondered what she might have told the boy about his absence.

It was only a few more steps to the porch, and Gold paused. If he did what he’d been planning, he would reveal himself to Belle. If he did that, he risked never seeing her or Gideon again, but that was likely to be the case anyway. With another heavy sigh, he made his way up the steps to the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Belle wiped her hands off on a dish towel and blew out a breath.

She rubbed the back of her hand across her sweaty forehead. The kitchen was too warm, so she went into the study and opened the french doors. The cold air felt good on her heated skin, and she sighed, leaning against the door frame. There was really no reason for her to go to all this effort, it wasn’t as if she and a two year old would put much of a dent in the food. It would take them all week to eat just the turkey, much less the potatoes, dressing, relishes, and cookies.

Frowning, she pushed off the door and stepped out onto the patio in her slippers. Along the fence on the north side of the yard were a set of footprints. They cut across and stopped by the end of the patio, but something seemed strange about them that she couldn’t place. She looked around, scanning the garden slowly and eyeing the gate at the back. It appeared to be latched, but someone had obviously opened it during the night and come uncomfortably close to the house.

She went back inside and shut the door quickly, flipping the dead bolt. Then she went around to all the windows and made sure the curtains were drawn, and the doors to make sure they were latched. When that was done, she felt a bit better, certain that at least no one could get in the house or see inside, even if they had been wandering in the yard. She lit a fire in the living room fireplace and then went upstairs to wake Gideon.

This was Christmas, dammit, and she was determined to make it a happy one for her son. Nothing about this was what she wanted or planned, but she told herself it was for Gideon. Everything was. She had to do what was best for him no matter what, no matter if it broke her heart.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Gold moved carefully across the patio and hurried to the fence line. He paused for a moment, rubbing his thigh as pain shot through his knee. Behind him the patio doors opened and he froze.

“Jack?”

His eyes closed for a moment. Belle’s sweet voice saying that name is something he never thought he’d hear again. 

She stepped out onto the stones, holding a present wrapped in sparkling green paper. “Edmund James Gold, _look at me_.”

He turned slowly, limping a little and leaning heavily on his cane. His eyes trailed over a pair of fuzzy pink slippers, up soft gray pajama pants and the ends of a red cashmere shawl, until he met a familiar blue eyes. He expected to see coldness and perhaps anger, but instead they were wide and bright and shining.

Belle gasped and touched a hand to her mouth, her voice a near whisper. “Jack.”

“Belle.” 

Gold’s lips wobbled as they curved into a tentative smile. He took a cautious step forward, and caught the way she leaned in as if she was about to do the same. She hadn’t yelled at him or thrown anything, and she looked for all the world like she might burst into tears.

Just then Gideon pushed through her legs and bounded across the patio in a pair of red footie pajamas.

“Papa!” he squealed.

A pair of little arms wrapped around his left leg, holding fast, and he barely bit back a sob. He looked down to see Gideon beaming up at him, the boy’s chubby little hands clinging to his trousers. He touched his son’s head, ruffling his soft hair, before he looked to Belle. She was covering her mouth and trembling, from the cold or something else, he couldn’t tell.

He felt like such a bastard.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I just - I wanted to leave that for Gideon.” Belle looked down at the present in her hands and bit her lip. He sighed, patting Gideon’s head. “I’ll go.”

“No,” Belle said quickly. She took a couple of steps forward and then stopped, her hands gripped the present hard, her knuckles turning white.

Gold’s mouth opened, and his hand tightened around the handle of his cane. He thought he must have heard her wrong, but his chest was swelling with such joy that he couldn’t help smiling.

She licked her lips, tasting the salt from the tears that had slipped loose. “Maybe - you - you could stay? If you want?” A smile flashed across her face, and she shrugged. “It’s Christmas.”

He nodded, the ache in his heart so great he thought he might die on the spot. “I would like that.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion and maybe a reconciliation. For the 31 Days of Ficmas prompt #24 - Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I wasn't going to revisit this, but I felt like they needed a good ending. This prompt and this day were perfect for that. I hope everyone finds a little love today. Merry Christmas!

“Well,” Belle said, smiling softly from her spot at the end of the sofa, closest to the glowing warmth of the fireplace. She gestured with her wine glass to the other side of the room. “That was a pretty successful Christmas.”

Gold grinned and followed her gaze to the slim, artificial tree in the corner. Gideon was curled up in front of it like a cat, hugging his new stuffed bunny rabbit to his chest, breathing slow and steady, deep asleep after a day of opening presents and playing. 

He looked back at Belle and nodded. “It was certainly better than I expected.”

Seeing the shine of unshed tears in his eyes, Belle sent aside her drink and moved closer, until her knees were just shy of touching his leg. She reached for his hand at the same time he reached for hers, clasping their hands together and holding them in her lap.

“Thank you for staying,” she said, giving him a quick squeeze.

He nodded and stared down at their hands. “Thank you for letting me.” Then he sighed. “I know I shouldn't have come, but -”

He was interrupted by Belle’s lips pressing against his. The kiss was firm at first, but then she moved back and tilted her head, catching his bottom lip in hers and pulling softly. The angle was a bit awkward, as she was sitting next to him, but he wouldn’t have stopped her for the world.

She pulled away and leaned her forehead against his, their warm breath mingling in the small space between them.

“Jack, I - I’m - ”

He kissed her the same as she had done to him, stopping her words abruptly. 

“Please don’t say you’re sorry,” he said, breathless. “ _Please._ ”

She swallowed and pressed her lips together. “I am sorry, though. For all of it.” Then she shook her head. “I said things, and - and I don’t know how to take them back.”

Belle blinked, sending tears trickling down her cheeks. Gold caught them with his thumb and swept them away before pulling her to him. She went willingly, and shifted into his lap, laying her head against his shoulder, her face turned into his neck.

She sniffled and licked her lips, tasting the faint saltiness from her tears. “I’m so sorry.”

His hand started to move up and down her back, and he shook his head. “Don’t, Belle, it was my fault. I didn’t tell you what I was doing, I tried to take care of it myself like I always do.”

She rubbed her nose against his skin and sucked in a shaky breath. “It’s my fault too,” she insisted. “I thought you were up to your old ways, and -” She paused to sniff loudly and wipe at her eyes. “I was stupid to trust my father over you.”

Gold hugged her tight and closed his eyes. “I wanted to be wrong about him, Belle. For your sake and Gideon’s. I wanted things to be different.”

“I know.”

After a long moment, clinging to each other at the far end of the sofa, she blew out a breath and sat up.

“I don’t want to cry anymore, Jack.” She rubbed under her eyes with her fingers, brushing away the last of her tears as she stood. There was a peace in her now, and a firm resolution. If they had a way forward it started here and now, but only if they were both willing to put aside the past and try again.

“I’m done with it, with _all_ of it.”

Gold nodded and swallowed, staring at her back as she faced the fireplace. He knew this would be it then, his last moments with his family. At least they were good ones, ones that he could use to sustain him through the dark times he knew were ahead. Loneliness had made a monster of him before, and it would again.

He pushed to his feet, leaning on his cane, his voice soft and resigned. “I’ll go.”

Belle whirled around, wide eyed. “Why?”

He blinked. “I thought -? You said -”

She crossed to him in two quick strides and kissed him again. He gasped, and her tongue pushed at his lips, seeking entrance. He opened his mouth and her tongue slid over his, pulling a small noise of surprise from the back of his throat. Her fingers slid in his hair, nails scraping his scalp, and he growled into her mouth before hauling her against him. His hands roamed, reacquainting himself with her curves while his mouth sought the places that always drove her mad. She grasped at his shirt with one hand and moaned. He drew out all the little sounds he’d missed for so many months, and dared to let his heart hope this was real.

When he pulled back, her mouth hung open and her eyes were dark and wide. They stood for a few minutes, breathing each other in, not wanting to part just yet.

“We _both_ made mistakes,” she said, her hands sliding down his chest. “And for the same reasons, to protect each other and our family. We just came at it from different sides, and we didn't listen to each other like we should have.”

One of her hands wrapped around his tie, and he arched an eyebrow. She looked up at him with a determination that made his heart skip a beat. “I _love_ you. So don't you _dare_ walk out that door if you feel the same.”

Gold cupped her cheek, brushing over the faint track left by her tears. “Oh, Belle,” he sighed. “I love you too. Of course I do, but I have so much to make up for.”

“We _both_ do,” she insisted. 

Then Belle's mouth curved as she glanced over at their sleeping son. “If you like,” she added, meeting her husband's eyes, and tugging on his tie until his lips were just brushing hers. “We can go upstairs and you can start by making me scream your name.”

Gold nipped at her bottom lip and grinned. “Deal.”


End file.
